On May 1st, 2022, I received a text that no one should ever have to read. My friend Kailia had taken her own life. While I had experienced loss and grief before, nothing prepared me for the complexity of mourning someone who had made the heartbreaking choice to end their life. In the days that followed, I found myself unable to stop crying; everything reminded me of her.
I met Kailia through pageantry, and she had been featured on the viral TV show Toddlers and Tiaras, attracting significant media attention. The weight of her loss felt unbearable, and I couldn’t even turn to social media for distraction. Despite not being the closest friends, I often invalidated my own grief, telling myself I had no right to feel this way because we hadn’t spoken in a while. I had to confront those feelings, recognizing that whether you know someone intimately or just casually, the impact of suicide resonates deeply.
I constantly replayed moments in my mind, wishing I had reached out more or left a supportive comment on one of her posts, questioning whether it could have made a difference. Struggling with my own mental health, knowing someone who had taken their life shifted my perspective entirely. I transitioned from crying alone at night, convinced that life would be better without me, to understanding the profound impact suicide leaves behind. I vowed to persevere, no matter how challenging it felt.
At one point, I felt incredibly lonely, grappling with feelings of being unwanted or unlovable. Kailia’s passing illuminated a powerful truth: more people care about you than you realize. I learned that life isn’t defined by a series of bad days, but rather by the promise of better ones ahead. If I had succumbed to despair, I would have missed countless opportunities—like becoming Miss Illinois Teen USA, competing at Miss Teen USA, and forging lifelong friendships. My absence would have profoundly affected my family and friends, and I would have deprived myself of a chance at life.
As humans, we are fortunate to experience the richness of life, to feel deeply, and to witness the dawn of each new day. It’s essential to give yourself and the world a chance to unfold in ways you might not expect. Every journey is unique, shaped by moments of joy, sorrow, triumph, and struggle. Each experience adds to your purpose, weaving a tapestry of resilience and strength that you may not fully recognize until you look back.
Remember, the difficult days do not define your worth or the beauty of your journey. Embrace the idea that even amidst the chaos, there is potential for growth and transformation. You are not alone in your struggles; everyone is navigating their own challenges, often for the first time. Your story matters, and your presence in this world is invaluable.
So, be gracious—not only to yourself but also to others. Offer kindness and understanding, for you never know the battles they may be fighting in silence. Cultivate hope, even when it feels elusive, and remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to your strength. Don’t cut your life short; you never know what blessings and opportunities await you around the corner. Life is a journey filled with possibilities—embrace it fully, and allow yourself to become the person you were meant to be. Your greatest days are still ahead.
Thank you Arianna for writing this beautiful post. It is so important to be reminded of the value in life, and I am grateful to you for sharing how your perspective on mental health has been shaped through loss. If you or anyone you know is struggling, please connect to 988 the national lifeline. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and as this month comes to a close, I hope everyone remembers suicide prevention deserves our attention all year long.